10 things I learned about heartbreak

I like to tell stories. I think most people do, in one way, or another. We tell stories. To others.To ourselves.

I once loved a man and when he broke my heart, I started to tell myself a whole bunch of stories. With every unanswered WhatsApp and every unwatched Insta Story. One awkward conversation with a mutual friend at the time. 

Single microscopic stories but with a massive impact.

Stories about if he still cared. About all the why's and all the maybe's.

You see, I went through three real (romantic) heartbreaks in my life. Every story is vastly different but still I found one thing to be the same: me. And how I dealt with the waves of pain.

Pain? Yes. In our society we hold space for grief but only when someone died. When it comes to relationships, things get messy. People say things with the best of intentions but no one seems to really know how to deal with it. And truth be told: there isn't much of a formula. And a lot of times I still epically fail in tending to my heart, processing and following my own great advice. Heartbreak is an ancient thing. And as long as there is love between imperfect people, there will be some measure of pain.

I didn't necessarily wanted to share these pieces with the world. Most of my stories I keep inside my journals, penned on pieces of paper, on my phone, hold tightly to my heart. But when I read this story to a friend of mine, soon after her break-up, she cried and whispered words of hope. That's when I knew I had to share it with you.

So, enough with the intro. Here are ten things I learned about heartbreak. May these words bring a bit of healing to that beautiful, magnificent and muscular organ in your chest.

You're a lover? Good, count yourself one of the wild ones.

1. If it's anything, it says something about you.

I used to be ashamed of how much I felt. I thought that being a strong woman meant "I don’t need a man, I don’t need you." I grew up in a culture that said: feelings are weakness. Which translated as: if I was really strong, I could easily move on from this person, right? No feelings attached. 

I remember bailing my eyes out because of a short romance.

And I tried to push myself past it, not wanting to look silly, needy or weak.

But then one particularly hard day a friend called and said: ‘’You know this says more something about you then about him right? Elise, this is your greatest weakness and greatest strength. Your heart is huge. And you love so deeply. If it says anything it says something about the way you love.’’ In a world were we like to 'get over it' and 'move on' as soon as possible, I learned: I'm a deep lover.

In that time one of my other friends sent me a song. Let it Matter, by Johnnyswim. The female lead wrote the song a year after her mum died. For a year everyone kept telling her: ‘your mum is in heaven’, ‘we’re praying for you to be okay’, until’ one day she realized: I don’t want to be okay. I want to feel the pain that comes with losing my mother.

She sings: "You are worth the joy my love,

you are worth the pain." One of my favourite writers, Kris Vallotton, once said: ‘’You can only love till the extend you’re willing to get hurt.’’

Yes, you deeply loved this person. So to suddenly move from deep intimacy to nonchalance or even hate is very unnatural for a heart.

2. Don't push your heart, be kind.

When we tell stories to ourselves and others, it’s because we want to understand. We want to unravel the mystery. To others it goes something like: ‘’Well, he’s an idiot who’s just scared. He’ll come back.’’ Or: ‘’Yeah, we were never right in the first place.‘’ But to ourselves, this talk is much harsher, much darker. We wonder: ‘’Am I not fun enough for this person?’’ ‘’Do I have flaws everyone else sees but me?’’ ‘’Will I ever find love, again?’’

With my last heartbreak I suddenly start to see my heart as a real human, a beautiful majestic woman. I wondered how I would treat her, that beautiful woman. And suddenly I realized that the way I talked to my own heart would never be how I would talk to a real person.So I started to experiment. What if I didn’t push my heart? Like, when I would feel an emotion I wouldn’t try to ‘figure it out’ as soon as possible or push it far away. Or when the temptation came to put together story, especially when someone asked, to resist? To simply be kind and vulnerable and say: I don’t know. But right now, I feel … [insert fun reflective exercise].

When I went through the breaking, sometimes I felt great. But sometimes I would be angry, deeply sad or just purely mad (I'm going to climb this mountain by myself, RIGHT NOW! I'm getting a tattoo! And a cool looking reptile! Or maybe a cat! LET’S GET TEN CATS!) On the most random moments I would suddenly be triggered by something small. A food. The flag of his country. A movie that we used to watch together. You would be surprised when your mind is set on something how many ‘signs’ you see everywhere.

I learned to take a pause. Especially in the days after the break-up. To not form a story, even when my surroundings were begging for one. To let my heart breathe.

3. Create.

Seriously, pick up that pen, strum on your ukelele, wildly paint. I found that some of my best work came from this place: deep pain. No, it's not a place I want to live in constantly. And I definitely hope people don't have to go through it - but if you are, create. It will help others. It will help you. Your story is not just for you. I bet you can even think of a song right now that perfectly describes how you feel. Or a movie that helped you feel your heart.

I myself am writing this a week after the Grande Breakup. And my hope, my hope is that it helps you.

4. There are more people out there.

You're truly not the only one. And most of the time your ex significant other is going through it too. Maybe it looks different on her/him but believe me, it's there. (You're simply too great to just "get over"). Also, get together with people that understand.

The kind of people that went through it themselves.

The kind of people that feel with you and don't try to "fix you".

5. Heartbreak is real grieve.

Science shows that heartbreak is registered by your brain in the same way it registers physical pain. Furthermore, the part of your brain where you fall in love is the same part where addictions are. So in a way you’re sobering up like a drugaddict (hence your shots of daily checking his/her Instagram, neh?)

The weird thing is: you truly lose someone you were incredibly intimate with. But what is almost even worse: that person is still there. So technically you could still be together. It’s the weirdest concept and it’s quite a shock for your heart. Give it space.

6. You will be okay.

But you don't have to do anything for that.

Receive the love and support from the people around you. Take all the time you need. Going through the break-ups, this I know: there comes a day the sun shines a bit brighter again. I know, it sounds cliché and sticky but trust me on this one. One day you’ll wake up and the sting has left.

7. Don't start to despise your ex.

Unless your ex was an actual abusive maniac, a lot of times there is no reason to suddenly hate your ex. The truth is : the decision hurts you. The separation hurts you. And sometimes our heart confuses the decision with the person and we get mad at them, while actually they are still the great person we once loved. Imperfect, maybe not the right fit, but still a human that is worthy of love.

Once you really liked this person. Once you choose him/her. So keep on remembering the good things. And – if possible – look each other in the eyes once in a while. So you can breathe and be like: ‘’Ahw, we’re still good. It’s just this decision that sucks. But we’re still good.’’

In the Fault in Our Stars dying Augustus says something so significant:

‘’You can’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.’’

8. For the friends: don't put pressure on your mates to be 'okay'

Sit a little longer with your friend. You might think it's over in a week or two but the truth is: for most people it takes way longer. It took me three years to even go on a simple date again after my first big love – we could have been married. Again, this says more something about the way I love than it says about how supposedly "weak" I am. There is no formula. 

You see, you're dealing with real people, flesh and blood, pumping hearts, eager to love. Giving someone time to heal is one of the easiest way to say: ‘I love you’.

9. Say it again: there’s no formula.

I wish there was a recipe for the curing of a broken heart. Like: three golden retriever puppies, Ben & Jerry's cookiedough icecream, a bunch of comedy movies and a make out session with the bartender. Well, there's not. Find out what you need. I for example am an extravert. Sometimes during my heartbreak all I wanted to do was Netflix and cry in my bed. And sometimes I did. But sometimes I needed to go out and have fun. Be with people that love me. Be with people that take me rollerskating, dragged me to a party or simply took me out for coffee. Just to get me out of my head for a little bit. Find out what you need, be tender with yourself. Nayirah Waheed wrote this beautifully:

10. You did it.

And than last but not least: well done, YOU DID IT.

Consider this your digital sticker sheet (YOU GET A STICKER! AND YOU GET A STICKER!).

I know we say this all the time but it’s deeply true: love is a risk. Probably the greatest risk you will ever take. One of my favourites, C.S. Lewis, wrote:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I’m a Jesus lover and one day I went in my mind through all the hard things I experienced in life when suddenly I heard him say: ‘’You know you’re going to get hurt again, don’t you?’’

And I’m like: ‘’Thanks God, very encouraging.’’ Jesus: ‘’... but the bravest thing you can do is love. Over and over and over again.’'

I don’t think loving is being vulnerable with everyone at the same level all the time or not having boundaries. But I do believe that we’re called to love. And in my case, as a Christian, this is the most sacrificial love there is. It was Jesus himself who said: ‘Love your enemies.' Pretty radical, ey?

So in a world that shouts over and over again to not show your heart,

love is the true mark of courage.

Yes, love is what moves the world, changes the world and loving with an open heart can cause it to bleed. For me though it’s the only way to live.

So if you lived like that too, with this person, even in the slightest way, then I’m here to say:

Well done.

Well, well done.

You did it.

You loved – again.

P.S. Also watch the short clip me and my friends made about heartbreak. It’s pretty magical. And BIG BONUS: it has nothing to do with the story, really, but I also lived out all my geeky fantasy Lord of the Rings dreams.